How To Train Your Cat

I come from a long line of borderline crazy, or Alzheimer suffering grandmothers. Two voluntarily through blood, and one not so voluntarily through marriage. The latter of these grandmothers over Christmas attempted to eat the cranberry sauce out of the pot with a lid from the bathrooms air freshener whilst sitting on the toilet. In the past she has also driven the wrong way down the motorway with a broken neck fused together, and won the competition 'how many times can i tell the same World War 2 story at one sitting. The answer is five and she falls into the 'Alzheimer' category. On the other hand the borderline crazy grandmother attempted to give my two man tent as a present to my Uncle whilst thinking she was giving him a gazebo, and also managed to wrap an empty box and label it for my cousin.

This brings me to the grandmother of the house in Spain: Fausta. It’s hard to know where to start when describing her character. Fausta is the slightly senile, completely deaf, cat lady, which we all have as a relative but never want to admit any relation to. She also finds me incredibly attractive. Our first acquaintance went something along the lines of

“H’ola Fausta. Me llamo Josh”

*garbled Spanish*

“No hablo español”

*continuation of garbled Spanish plus dramatic hand movements going from my head to my feet*

It was at this point that the previous au pair Monica slowly leans over to me and informs me that Fausta is really deaf; and she just told the children that if they want to succeed in life then they should grow up to be tall and handsome and like me. I have never been a fan of 80 year old women making moves on me so i decided to make a quick exit for the door. Unfortunately for me Fausta wasn’t quite finished and or didn’t get the point and continued her babble of Spanish asking for my name.

“His name is Josh!”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”

“HIS NAME IS JOSH”

“I don’t know that name. I call him Gorge”

This now leaves me as the ‘tall, good looking’ English au pair called Gorge. Fausta is a total keeper and I definitely think a marriage is on the cards. I honestly cannot wait for the wedding and have already picked out some beautiful flowers from the garden, and have a lovely floral pattern in mind for the invitations.

Im not sure what her upper body strength is, but im pretty sure that seeing as most mornings I am woken up to Fausta doing full swings of an axe her height to cut a life times supply of wood, it has got to be pretty fierce. Fausta has also managed to train her cats as dogs. On a visit to the beach she will have 4 black cats following her to heel in a line. She has also managed the commands sit and drop, and can balance a cat on her shoulders perfectly whilst walking around, a talent i think every crazy grandma should be requited to perfect.